Percolations

Coming Out | February 23, 2010

It’s taken me a while to gather my thoughts about how to write this blog post. I’ve had to ponder what I’m comfortable with sharing, for all the world to see, and pare down the uncomfortabilities. I’m hoping, for the most part, to get a dialogue started. So, here goes:

I struggle with depression.

And I’m not talking about the every day blues. I’m talking about blackness. An all consuming, oppressive fog that taints some of the would-be best times of my life. There are days I can’t get out of bed because the sadness weighs so heavily on my heart and moments when all I can do is cry, and let my husband hold me.

I’m bringing this to light for 3 reasons:

1) Because I’m finding that the more I externalize the depression, the better I am at dealing with it: at locating its root causes and the false beliefs that I’m holding about myself and the world. The more I tell people, the easier it is to find patterns of toxic thinking. I’m able to realize that events in my past, that I had NO idea were affecting me, are in fact sucking me dry.

2) For most of my life, I’ve had people tell me that I’m not grateful enough for my “blessings” and that if I had enough faith in YHWH, I wouldn’t be depressed (I’m sure you’ve heard that idiotic catchphrase: “I’m too blessed to be depressed”). I’m tired of believing the people who have told me that depression is all my fault and making me feel bad because I deal with it.

3) SO MANY PEOPLE are fighting the same battle I’m fighting and SO MANY PEOPLE don’t understand depression. It’s only been by my openness (cultivated by God’s Spirit) that I’ve been able to have some incredible conversations with people about depression. There truly is power in creating a safe community to talk about this.

Now, I want you to know a few things. First, I used to take medication for my depression and see NO (read: absolutely none) problem with that or with others who need it to help strike a balance in their life. In fact, I only stopped taking it about 1 1/2 months ago.

Secondly, I believe that medication in and of itself is not the solution to depression. It’s a means of helping clear your brain so you can work through all of that darkness and getting to the root of what’s going on. Before I began going to see a therapist (no shame), I was dead set on believing that my depression was purely chemical. Then, I started talking about it and came to the realization that my depression is a far cry from being solely based on the chemical imbalances in my brain.

Third, and perhaps most importantly, it has been the grace of YHWH that has carried me through this journey. I would have off’ed myself a looong time ago if it weren’t for His relentless pursuit of me. And it’s taken me far too long to recognize the power that He has to help me overcome this. For so. damn. long., I’ve felt powerless and helpless and weak but I’m growing into the knowledge (verrrry cautiously) that because of Christ, and His Spirit living in me, I can do this. I can be free of depression’s god-like hold over my life. I know I’m always going to have a darkness and blackness that sneaks into my heart like a thief but I now know how to protect myself, how to defend myself, and that I’m not alone in this.

Part of my depression truly is a chemical imbalance but it grows stronger because such a large part of it is spiritual and emotional.

For some good resources on the subject, check out:

To Write Love On Her Arms

Focus on the Family’s articles on Depression. (Yes, I actually linked to FOTF’s website BECAUSE, in spite of the fact I think they are *ahem* a bit nutty on some issues, they do a well-rounded explanation of emotional health).

This book that I haven’t read but am getting around to. It has been recommended by several people whom I trust and respect.

This book that I have read and loved.

Love.